I ran across this article in Cosmo awhile, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. In it, the author talks about her resolution to stop testing people this year, throwing out an ultimatum to see if her partner will take the bait, and saying “I make an impossible demand or an empty threat to see if they’ll put their emotional cards on the table in a way that I can’t, or won’t. It’s okay, if they really love me, they’ll fight for me, I rationalize. Just kidding! That trick has worked exactly zero times, but I still keep doing it. And I want to stop.”

Then, I saw a comment on an Instagram post-I can’t remember where it was-asking for advice about the same topic.

So, I figured I’d write about it!

Being that I like to keep things very simple, this kind of game playing seems exhausting. But this is a habit that many people fall into when “testing” their relationship. They hurl ultimatums and cross their fingers that their partner will come through for them, hoping he’ll overlook the juvenile cry for love and attention profess his undying love and willingness to put up with crazy.

While the answer to whether or not you should test your partner is a resounding no, you definitely need to do your due diligence when in a relationship, especially one that is on the road to marriage.

My husband, who is former military, likens it to a vetting process. Vetting is making a careful and critical examination of (something), and you should definitely be making a careful and critical examination of someone who you could spend your life with.

Making sure that the person that you’re with is a good fit for you is imperative to your future happiness as a married couple. When my husband and I were dating, both of us paid close attention to how we fit with each other and into each other’s lives, and when we started to get serious, the transition to being a “we” was pretty seamless. It fit.

There were a lot of opportunities to find out how we fit together-our first road trip, family functions, money conversations, how he reacted when I had a bad day and vice versa, how he treated kids, whether or not he did laundry and cooked and cleaned. Every step along the way, I checked in with myself to make sure he was the right one for me. When the answer was a resounding yes every time, I knew I had found the man that I was going to marry.

So, don’t be afraid to vet the person you’re dating. Ask questions. Observe. Make sure that he is a fit for you. But don’t fall into the trap of testing him, waiting with crossed fingers that he’ll take the bait.

What are some things that you looked for in your spouse?